The Worst Movies on Netlfix: Sharknado

While some of you may think us critics can’t enjoy a movie unless it has to words “Academy Award Winning” or “Arthouse” attached to it, I’ve come to say I’m completely insulted. Critics have souls too you know. We aren’t lifeless ghouls. We don’t put a damper on films you like because we enjoy it, we do it cause the films you like are shit. Don’t take it the wrong way, it’s just how we are made (That was a joke, please don’t crucify me).

But yes I have a strong sense of humor and can recognize when a terrible movie exists simply for a bunch of friends to get shit-faced while watching and laugh their asses off. And what is the perfect movie for that kind of scenario?

Behold the king of the “So bad it’s good” genre: Sharknado, an over-the-top and ludicrous adventure that is horrible, it’s bad, I am not saying this a good movie, it makes an Adam Sandler production look like The Wolf of Wall Street. But it is one of the funniest things you will find on Netflix complete with hammy acting, hilarious one-liners, shoddy special effects and a plot that is as gleefully fun as it is ridiculously stupid.

Brought to us by the clearly cocaine induced minds of the Sci-Fi channel, who have brought us movies like the classic Sharktopus vs Whalewolf and the unforgettable Frankenfish (Look them up they are real!), the plot sees a group of people in Los Angeles try to outrun the tornado of the century, which has appeared to suck basically every shark on planet Earth into its vortex and causes them to fly in the air and kill people. Forming a monstrous creation, a satanic partnership of shark and tornado…a Sharknado.

It is as beautiful as it sounds.

When you have Steve Sanders from 90210 (Ian Ziering), a plastic faced Tara Reid (Cause you know, she has terrible plastic surgery), a guy with the worst Australian accent in the history of film and the dad from Home Alone (John Heard) running from a tornado full of sharks, it’s already great. Add in a few shots of tequila and a drinking game and you have what some may call “The Best Fucking Night Ever”.

None of the actors care, and it’s all the better for it. They know the movie is shit, so they play it up. Ziering is playing a character named Fin, do I have to say anything else? Actually Ziering works well for the Sharknado quite well. Never taking himself or the premise too seriously, he hams it up to perfection and gives us one of the oddest career revitalization stories in recent memory. John Heard is in the movie for about five minutes (No joke) and plays the local drunk at a bar, so it’s likely he didn’t know he was being filmed. Everyone else is just there for a paycheck, which helps since all the supporting characters are just there to either give unnecessary exposition or get killed off in hysterical fashion. Except for Tara Reid, playing Fin’s ex-wife, who’s acting like she’s in a drama directed by Steve Spielberg. She tries too hard in every scene and her range of acting coupled with her seemingly unmovable face makes her look confused and slightly annoyed by everything going on around her. She actually manages to be the worst thing in a movie called Sharknado, which is actually worth 20 fucking Oscars in its own right.

I already explained the plot. What else is there to say? Sharks are sucked into a tornado and now people are going to die. That’s it! Yes there’s a subplot about Finn and his wife possible reconciling but it takes a backseat to real stars of the show: the sharks. Whenever the sharks appear, they enter with a bang, eating their way through everything in sight, even eating a woman in midair as she falls from a helicopter and at one point one is sawed in half by a chainsaw as it flies through the air. It’s amazing.

Having said that, have there ever been worse CGI in a film, made for TV or otherwise? Probably. But Sharknado‘s special effects are dreadful. Well, it is on the Sci-Fi channel, not exactly known for their Avatar like effects. Yet the sharks look like rubber and the tornado looks like something out of a Nickelodeon cartoon, and somehow that lack of effort adds to the movie’s cheese factor even more. Then add in the one-liners that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger blush and characters that are cardboard cutouts of the straight off the assembly line and it all comes together into a gorgeous blend of greatness that will be remembered fondly by the social media generation.

If you haven’t seen Sharknado yet, I’m actually impressed. The film is so internet friendly, with gifs and memes literally jumping off the screen, and has a premise so mind-numbingly insane that not seeing it is almost like saying you’ve never seen Harry Potter. This is our generation’s Plan 9 From Outer Space, our Reefer Madness, the film we will put on when we are older to laugh and remember the good times we had watching it. When you have a ton of friends over, drinking or not (I recommend the former), put on this movie. It may be terrible but damn is it a ton of fun.

The Worst Movies on Netlfix: Serena

You know it’s funny how film studios work sometimes. They get the rights to a fairly popular novel. They then get a script with a solid setting, an Oscar-winning director, two of the biggest actors in the business today, and a sizable enough budget to put together the whole production. Then after all the filming ends and the editing begins the studio heads realize the film is a massive piece shit and they begin burying it faster than Hilary Clinton buries an email scandal.

It appears a studio has dug themselves another grave of this kind with Serena.

The film stars Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence and immediately you may be confused. “Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were in another movie together? How did I not hear about this?” I can hear you asking. You see reader sometimes a solid cast, or in this case two actors, doesn’t always make for a good film, and when this happens the studio can do two things: Promote it with decent enough trailers and hope people go see it because of the actors or cut their losses and begin to distance themselves from it like it’s a red-headed bastard stepchild.

Guess which one happened to Serena?

Set in the early years of the Great Depression, George Pemberton (Cooper) owns a timber business in North Carolina. After falling in love with Serena (Lawrence) at first sight he takes her with him to work with him, and things begin to fall apart.

That summary of the film is actually more interesting than the film itself. While it may sound like an interesting look into the deterioration of a relationship, it isn’t. If you want that, go watch Blue Valentine, if you want to be bored shitless for almost two hours watching a film about timber, panthers, “love” and an illegitimate son complete with terrible characters, then give Serena a shot.

Cooper and Lawrence don’t seem to be particularly interested in the whole project. Both are about as wooden as the trees that surround them during the film and both have no chemistry whatsoever, which is shocking considering how great they were in Silver Linings Playbook. Lawrence plays a character who can be described as bi-polar, and not in a convincing way, her character’s motivations shift constantly throughout the film. All the while Cooper’s character, the protagonist, is one who brings home his new wife just after he impregnates a local woman, which immediately makes him a fucking asshole. So our two lead characters are a “crazy” woman and an asshole who don’t work well together, give bland performances and have accents straight out of a Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby? Awesome.

The rest of the cast really aren’t that memorable. Toby Jones gets a mention, only because I’m not sure why he’s in this film. Maybe after working on movies like Harry Potter and Captain America he thought acting in this movie counted as taking a trip to the spa. He doesn’t have to try. He shows up, acts a little squirmy, and collects his paycheck. I can’t really be mad at him, it’s easy money. Wouldn’t you want to get paid to act in a film where a line of dialogue two minutes in gives away the end of the movie?

The story these characters occupy is, arguably, the worst part about Serena. Say what you want about the performances, and I have, but the character motivations and overall plot really don’t help matters. There are plot points involving timber, national parks, babies, illegitimate children, love, lies, murder, bribery, panthers, miscarriages, traumatic childhoods, and someone losing a limb all in under two hours, and yet the movie makes no effort to be entertaining and hop scotches these plot points to make them all seem relevant, taking time away from anything interesting.

While some of these issues could be attributed to its source material, a novel written by Ron Rash, the pacing and overstuffed plot also fall on the backs of writer Christopher Kyle and director Susanne Bier. Kyle writes the film like it’s a made for TV movie, with dialogue that doesn’t interest and, as said before, too many sub plots and nothing monumental happens to catch your interest, and when something big does happen you see it coming from a mile away, his script never throws a curveball at you. All the whole Bier’s envisioning for the script is a lot of beautiful cinematography of the forest but the rest is a colorless world that doesn’t catch you eye or peak your interest and doing a terrible job of balancing all of the elements the plot throws at you.

Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence have already rebounded from this film, with Cooper nabbing an Oscar nomination for American Sniper and Lawrence doing the same for Joy, and they will both have plenty of projects in the future. But Serena will be a massive question mark on their careers as well as everyone else involved. It’s really a question of how did this all go so horrible wrong? How could they take a film with these actors and make it so boring and lifeless? I’m not sure how they did it, but Serena found a way.

The Worst Movies on Netflix: United Passions

You know when I started this whole “Worst Movies on Netflix” thing all of twenty-four hours ago I didn’t think it would get much worse than Adam Sandler talking like an Indian. I thought that would be the bar, the enormous piece of shit that all other shit would be judged against. But oh how Netflix decided to prove me wrong. It turns out The Ridiculous Six was merely the beginning, the bottom of the mountain, the top layer of algae and garbage hiding something far more sinister in the depths of the Netflix streaming catalog.

That monster hiding underneath is United Passions, a film you’ve definitely never heard of.

You see, United Passions is a film about FIFA…and I hate it already.

Seriously there are no four letters in a particular order that anger me more than F-I-F-A and that’s saying something considering ISIS and IRS were other candidates. FIFA, for those who don’t know is the governing body over soccer, or as the rest of the world correctly calls it fútbol, and have been creating their own stories of controversy since, well, ever.

In case you couldn’t tell yes I am a fan of the world’s greatest sport and I am also a fan of the world’s greatest team Arsenal F.C and if you don’t agree with that opinion, you can take your vuvuzela and shove it cause I really don’t care. Anyway, as a soccer fan I felt it was my unsworn duty to review United Passions. Yet after reading about its release history I was actually a little surprised.

Released last year around the time FIFA were getting pounded by bribery and corruption charges, the film came into theaters and was immediately rejected by everyone. The film grossed $918 dollars making it the lowest grossing movie in the history of the domestic box office. It was panned by critics and (According to my math with $8.43 being the average ticket cost) all 108 people who actually saw the damn thing in theaters. Pressing play I thought it was a joke. Surly this movie isn’t that bad? There’s no movie that can be bad enough to warrant a whopping score of 1 percent on Metacritic and a place on the IMDB bottom 100. It’s a sports drama! Is it really worse than Jack and Jill and 50 Shades of Grey?

The short answer is yes, this movie is that bad, and then some.

The film is about the founding and history of FIFA. Done! Plot summarized in one sentence, that has to be a record for me.

Just a quick side note, the film is actually funded by FIFA itself. So automatically the film loses al credibility in its story telling. You just know half if not all of the criminalizing shit got left on the cutting room floor, or probably wasn’t even in the script because FIFA doesn’t want you knowing that people in their ranks took millions in bribes, even though we all would know this if we picked up a fucking newspaper last summer.

Sorry, enough blasting the company. So how can this movie that bad? Well, for starters it has a legitimate cast that are all obviously there for a paycheck, headlined by Tim Roth playing a Swiss man and Sam Neill playing a Brazilian. I’d like to point out Roth is English and Neill is an Irish-born New Zealander so they both play their respective ethnicities about as well as politicians attempting to sound truthful. They’re boring leads that are plastered in make-up that wouldn’t pass for a high school production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every other actor seems to be trying but they are so bland surrounded by a terribly cheesy movie that in the end all of their performances blend together and not one of them stands out.

The dialogue between characters is enough to put even the worst insomniac to sleep. Talks of federations and missing money and presidency and life goals and elections and Africa and…I’m sorry am I losing you already? Try watching 2 hours of all of those topics. The movie’s runtime and boring subject matter felt like I was watching a 3 hour documentary that loses interest as soon as the first piece of dialogue is said on-screen.

The origin story presented in United Passions is a cookie cutter representation of the actual events. The movie uses every historical drama cliché in the book and somehow they manage to make it even more dramatic and cheesy than other films in the same genre. You’re thrown right into the thick of the battle for power between the English fútbol association and what I believe was the rest of Europe, I couldn’t tell thanks to all of the shitty accents in the same room swarming me at one time. From the get-go you have no idea who these people are and why you should really give a shit about anything they are doing.

The entire film seems like it was rejected by the History Channel and even there it wouldn’t pass for good. The story is by the numbers and features moments that made me laugh out loud by seeing how desperately FIFA were trying to present themselves like an underdog and portraying men like Sepp Blatter (President of FIFA up through the scandal last year) as revolutionists for ideas like women’s soccer, especially since Blatter has said to make women’s soccer more popular they should “wear shorter shorts.” The film glosses over every problem that has plagued the company and instead uses those problems to make Blatter look like the superhero who changed the corporation for good, when in the end we all know for a fact that never really happened.

FIFA as a whole is a detestable organization for sure, but that didn’t mean their movie had to be terrible. This is a mouth-watering and jaw dropping tale of corruption and had it been in the hands of a credible production company and writer it could have been one of the more intriguing films of last year. Instead, FIFA wanted to create what amounted to a “fan-fiction” version of their history, and so we have United Passions a boring, drawn out and laughably bad depiction of the governing body of the world’s most popular sport.

The Worst Films on Netflix: The Ridiculous Six

“Do you have a Netflix account?” is about as common a question today as “Do you support the Communist party?” was in the 1950s. Netflix has become the new medium for entertainment in most households. Somehow the company that had a hand in killing video stores like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video now has 47 million members in the United States and another 36 million internationally. With numbers like that Netflix has been able to produce their own programming. Their television catalog is exceptionally strong, with shows like House of Cards, Daredevil, Bloodline, Jessica Jones, and more recently Stranger Things highlighting a long list of binge worthy television.

Since their shows took off, Netflix decided to try their hand in producing their own films as well. Films like Beasts of No Nation and The Fundamentals of Caring show they have a solid future in that category. But Netflix is still wrapping its head around the ways of being a production company, and they might have just learned a rule that even Hollywood and audiences haven’t figured out: Don’t give Adam Sandler your money.

Part of a four movie deal, The Ridiculous Six is a spoof of old westerns like The Magnificent Seven (Which is getting a remake later this year). The budget was a fairly impressive $60 million and features a cast that includes Harvey Keitel, Nick Nolte, Steve Buscemi, and Vanilla Ice as Mark Twain…

Oh…

Giving your friends paychecks again aren’t we Adam Sandler? Well next time at least make it funny. The Ridiculous Six is a boring and quite frankly unfunny disaster that after watching I feel like I have to perform an exorcism on my Netflix account because I simply pressed play.

After being raised by Indians, Tommy “White Knife” Stockburn meets his long-lost father (Nick Nolte). After his father is kidnapped by his old gang, Tommy has to steal money in order to save his father, along the way meeting his siblings (Rob Schneider, Taylor Lautner, Jorge Garcia, Luke Wilson and Terry Crews) he never knew about.

How bad is The Ridiculous Six? Well, in Adam Sandler terms it’s worse than Pixels but not as horrible as Grown Ups 2. Yes, I have an Adam Sandler scale for his comedies, ranging from Happy Gilmore (His best) to Jack and Jill (Satan in the form of a film). Now saying that I do like Adam Sandler. His recent efforts in the Hotel Transylvania films were genuinely funny, so how he can’t translate that to live-action is beyond me.

Sandler and his cast of friends are mostly on autopilot throughout the length of the film. Sandler isn’t even trying anymore, Taylor Lautner is playing a character that embodies the Tropic Thunder “Never go full retard” scene, Terry Crews and Luke Wilson are thrown in at the last-minute and Jorge Garcia is playing what appears to be a combination of Rain Man and Groot that never provides any humor. Oddly enough the only one trying out of the titular six actors is Rob Schneider. Throw all of the racism complaints you want at his character but he had the most jokes that hit and he was a surprisingly welcome presence on-screen.

Rob Schneider is the best part of the film. You tell me if that’s a compliment or a criticism.

The rest of the cast feature the normal “Sandler Club Members”. Jon Lovitz, David Spade and Nick Swardson all show up for their obligatory paychecks while Keitel, Nolte and Buscemi along with others all appear in surprising cameos but don’t bring anything funny to the table. My mouth actually dropped when screen legend Keitel popped up on-screen. Harvey Keitel, Mr. White from Reservoir Dogs, Winston Fucking Wolfe from Pulp Fiction, is in another (Little Nicky) Adam Sandler film. Who’s next? Daniel Day-Lewis? Jack Nicholson? The corpse of Alfred Hitchcock?

The story is a boring and overlong attempt to wring some laughs out of a clichéd western plot. I get that the film is trying to be ironic in its attempts to parody the Western films of old but in order to do something like that you must have a sense of timing and wit in order for the humor to hit, and a lot of the humor misses the mark entirely. The script, co-written by Sandler, is as meandering and convoluted as it is dull and joyless. There is no fun to be had watching a movie that isn’t funny, especially one with far too many characters and subplots that stretch this movie to 119 minutes long. That’s almost two hours! 30 minutes longer than a comedy like this should be.

Yes, The Ridiculous Six is another shit stain on the résumé of everyone involved. But, you’re probably reading this and saying “Well Hunter what did you expect? Did you expect a spoof on par with Young Frankenstein or even Scary Movie? It’s an Adam Sandler movie Hunter, what could have possibly been expecting?”. I expected someone to try! You have a hugely talented cast, an enormous budget, a home run of an idea to spoof the cheesy westerns of old Hollywood. Instead we get a movie where Rob Schneider decapitates Harvey Keitel with a shovel and Vanilla Ice and Blake Shelton start rapping at a poker table. Both of which, like this movie, are not funny.

‘Suicide Squad’ Movie Review

When Warner Brothers announced their DC Extended Universe following the success of Man of Steel, it looked as though Marvel would have some competition. Sure the Marvel Cinematic Universe is basically its own empire with great action, humor and characters, but their films are based around the lower tier of superheroes like Iron Man and Captain America, who were both at a point in time considered a joke. With DC going all in on this whole franchise/universe thing all us superhero fans jumped up in joy. Finally, we were getting to the good stuff. Finally, we would see a film with Batman and Superman. Finally, we would get the first ever live action Wonder Woman movie. Finally, the Justice League were going to be on the big screen.

Not only that, but we would get something that DC undeniably does better than DC: Their Villains. Villains like The Joker, Harley Quinn, Lex Luthor, Doomsday, Deadshot, Killer Croc, and many more. And for those who don’t in the DC Universe, some of these villains have their own team in the form of the “Suicide Squad”, a last resort team of villains sent in to take down something far worse than them. That sounds like a brilliant idea for a movie. Which begs the question what the hell happened with Suicide Squad, a boring, messy, tonally inept film that completely wastes its colorful cast of characters for a bland and predictable story.

Following the (Spoiler Alert) death of Superman, government official Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) decides create Task Force X out of a group of villains in case anything non-human comes to attack Earth. After a presence like this appears, it’s up to this “Suicide Squad” to save the city and the world.

Where did it all go wrong? The casting for every character seemed perfect from Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn all the way to Davis as Amanda Waller. David Ayer who brought us fantastic films like Fury, Training Day, and End of Watch emerged as a solid choice as writer/director of the project, and the first trailer that broke the internet with its fantastic use of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” was exceptional. Add in a soundtrack including a new theme from Twenty One Pilots and everything seemed to be riding high, until the film ended and it dawned on me that one of my most anticipated movies of the year was just as bad as last year’s Fantastic Four.

The plot of the film is completely generic, with the bad guys need to stop the evil guy idea seeming fresh but then the story delves into cliché after cliché after cliché after…you get the idea. Nothing about the story seems interesting, you know how the movie is going to play out from scene one, and any “twists”, if there even are any, are spotted from a mile away, the story abandons its great cast and characters with a boring pseudo origin-story that never throws a wild card at you.

The dialogue between characters is especially clunky, with several moments identifying as “Character-building” moments seeming awkward, like all of actors forgot how ridiculous their lines were and couldn’t believe what they were saying. The one-liners don’t stick, the comedy falls flat, and anything fun seemed to be thrown in there because Warner Brother realized Batman vs. Superman was about as fun as suffering a concussion.

With all of this in mind, most of the cast does keep things entertaining. Will Smith brings as much charisma as he possibly can as Deadshot, Robbie as Harley Quinn is the best part of the movie, even though the film doesn’t show enough of how tragic a character she truly is. Jai Courtney is great for the ten minutes of screen time he actually gets, and everyone on the team does a decent enough job to make you want this team to succeed. While Viola Davis does her best “I’m a complete bitch” impression and does it beautifully.

The actual “Suicide Squad” is fine, while Cara Delevingne is over-the-top as the film’s antagonist The Enchantress, but everyone wants to know: How is Jared Leto as The Joker? Now, the last live action portrayal of this villain was Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight and he was ok (Sarcasm) and before that The Joker was played by the magnificent Jack Nicholson. So needless to Leto did have some huge shoes to fill, and he took one look at those shoes and decided to take a massive shit in them. Leto is truly awful in Suicide Squad. His scenes are undoubtedly the film’s lowest points, even lower than the horrible story and action. Every time he was on screen I stared in awe wondering how the hell Leto thought a performance like this would win over the masses. He’s the human equivalent of a coked up Chihuahua and you just hope he shuts up so we can get to any scene that doesn’t include him in it.

Suicide Squad is a complete wash. A loud incoherent mess that proves the DC Extended Universe has a long way to go. When a studio and filmmaker miss the mark with a cast like this playing memorable characters like this there has to be something fundamentally wrong with those involved. Funny enough at the film’s New York premiere David Ayer screamed “Fuck Marvel” to a loud ovation. Trying to stir the pot of this called rivalry I see? That’s cute. If this is a rivalry, Suicide Squad is a massive win…for Marvel.